So...here's the low down. The nitty gritty. The real truth.
This weekend, that guy that I like so much and I had (kinda sorta) a day off. Together. As in we were off of work, ignored work, pretended we don't work kind of day. It was a Sunday...a day of Sabbath that we should have had off anyway but, well, don't usually get off because he has a church job and is in the middle of that (insert profanity here) Bach project that he is in the middle of.
But for one day...he put Bach on the back burner and me on the front burner.
Can you hear the angels singing?????
And if you believe I am ever really on the back burner, then, well, you don't know us in real life. But still...a girl can whine a little, can't she????
This week turned out to be a week that challenged me in a way that I had never before been challenged. In fact, I actually reached my breaking point as I was being screamed at by someone who works for me. That person was frustrated and said things (many things) they shouldn't have and I ended up just hanging up the phone. It was, to put it mildly, intense.
I didn't like it. At all.
I didn't like how I was being spoken to, I didn't like how I was reacting, I didn't like how I was being tested....and yes, I felt like I was being tested. Not by man, but by God. As in, 'hey chick....can you handle what I'm throwing at you???? Oh yeah, well, let me throw MORE your way!'
I actually pulled my car over and took a bunch of deep breaths and then cried. Hard. I tried calling that guy that I like so much but he was teaching. My closest girlfriends were all working. No one was available to listen to me cry hysterically.
But God? He was waiting, ever so patiently, for me to come to Him. He was waiting for me to say 'help me'. He was sitting there, quietly, waiting for me to lay all of this on Him.
Now in the perfect world, I would have done all that at that moment. But instead? It took me almost 3 days to come to that place. In between there was a dinner at a friends house, where they had the most incredible ceviche and tacos and hospitality in their beautiful backyard on one night and a wedding of two of that guy that I like so much's students (where so many former students whom we ADORE were in attendance) on another night....and then almost a whole day off, running errands and hanging out at home before I came to that realization.
It took DAYS.
I needed to dump it on God. I needed to let Him carry this burden. I'm the human....He's not. He's stronger and bigger and more kind and just better than my human self is...and I need to remember that.
So now it's Sunday night. We went to church, lunched out, shopped for shoes, roasted some chickens, dismantled our backyard (our house is being painted tomorrow) and sat and drank a bottle of wine with my family at the table. We danced a little, Brian is making cookies, Alex is walking the dog, Matthew sent a few texts. My world is feeling a bit more balanced...a bit more ready for the new week to begin.
Life...it's not always easy. But for now, what I have at this moment, is all good. I need to focus on the bigger picture...and I'm trying. It's easy after a few days off, after some quiet and some fun and some wine. Hoping it remains easy once the alarm goes off early tomorrow.