Last week was one of those ugly, it would be nice to forget about, weeks. Sure, there were moments of sunlight but for the most part it was just ugly.
Work for me was stressful. Summer has now arrived and all is well, but before that there was a lot of darkness. Work needed to be done 'now', blame was needing to be cast and I am middle management. It reached a boiling point with one of my boys, who decided at the wrong time to push my buttons over a simple request I had made of him and it happened.
Words were said. Words, which once out there can never be taken back. And because I take this role of mothering so very, very personally, I will now forever remember the words I said and they will over shadow all the good and right I have tried so very, very hard to be.
Basically, I feel like I failed.
And yes, I know that's not true but then again I don't. This mom gig? It's complicated. I'm real. That guy that I like so much is real. My boys are real.
The 'I'm sorry's' have happened and life has gone on, but I'm struggling to put it behind me. I want my boys to know me as the mom who has it mostly together, as someone who loves them unconditionally, who listens, who laughs, who cooks big bowls of food and who talks with her hands in the air like only an Italian mama can do.
But then, I want them to know that I'm real. That their words and actions...that if they hurt me, their mom, then they can easily hurt another. And now I question, once again...have I taught them well enough?
Like I said, there were moments of good. The grapes on the trellis should be ready to eat this weekend. Every morning we wander out to the garden and look up and can't help but smile...I know they are just grapes but it's just so cool to me.
There was a supper at my sister in laws, which meant in the midst of my crazy I didn't have to cook one night.
A blessing for me.
And then? Life returned to normal. Work was completed. Summer has arrived. Sleep came. Friends stepped in. An anniversary was celebrated. Lists have been made and summer projects are beginning. Forgiveness has happened for the boy and for the mom. The mom now needs to forgive herself.
I'm thankful for a new week, for new beginnings, for repentance and forgiveness and for life lessons that are needed to be taught and learned and lived.
Happy new week, everyone.