I've been waiting for the lull of summer to settle in...that sort of quiet time where one sits and reads a book by the pool followed by a leisurely supper.
Hasn't happened yet. It will...or at least I think it will, but it hasn't happened yet.
Full, full days. Good days. Long days.
I'm thankful for the days.
The nights have been hard. My anxiety over life stuff is keeping me tossing and turning when all around me are sweetly sleeping. I can't even pinpoint one thing...it's just that I feel something. Big somethings, like there is a change I need to prepare for. I've had long conversations with God in the darkness of night and while I know all the things that are swirling around me are out of control are being held in His control, they all feel so out of my control that it seems like too, too much.
It's a lonely place to be, in the dark. It's way too easy to forget that the sun will rise again in the morning and the light will come. It's easy to over think and over analyze and over talk to myself. It's easy to settle in to a 'really God?' place...into a 'how come?' place and a 'no one else gets it' place.
The nights have been long.
And then it happens. Sleep finally comes and my brain shuts off and He gives me the rest I so desperately need. And when I open my eyes there is sunshine...glorious sunshine and days that are packed full.
This is a season and this too shall pass. I'm ready for some answers to some big life questions and I know that next summer when I am sitting one morning and drinking my coffee, I'll have one of those wonderful 'aha' moments where I think 'oh, God. I totally see now.'
I wonder...how do those without faith, without a belief in a higher being...how would I, myself, get through the dark valleys?
My God is so big. I am so small.
Back to the light. We found a really sweet coffee place nearby...the kind of non chain coffee place where they just assume you will be staying long enough to drink your latte there and so they serve them up in big mugs rather than a paper cup. The kind of place where you just take that unrushed 10 minute coffee break that we, as always rushed and in a hurry peoples, feel too rushed and in a hurry to take.
It's glorious and after you sip your coffee and walk back to your car you think...'oh yeah. That's how it should be'.
In Busch boy news, Matthew is now in Nebraska on his summer long adventures. His corps performed last night at Mile High Stadium in Denver and while we wanted to be there in person, we were able to watch the performance live on the web. Can I get an 'Hallelujah! Amen!' for technology?
Alex was offered, and accepted, a new full time job this past week. The days are long and his bank account is so very, very happy...he's happiest when busy. He's still awaiting another big decision that should come soon...and so we wait. still.
And Brian? Still healing, still living his last summer of high school to the fullest.
And so, today, I'm sitting in the garden...in the sunshine. I know the night will come and I'll slow to that point where my brain will work overtime again but until then, I'm focusing on the light. On the laundry. On the big pot of gravy with meatballs and sausage and ribs that is slowly cooking all day. On the floors that need to be mopped. On the fact that my loves are healthy.
On God. That he's in charge of this crazy earthly place and not me.